After recently watching a video on the skewed morality behind the true crime genre, which contained many valid points (such as the lack of respect employed by some creators), my conclusion is still that covering such cases is useful to the public. In fact, it’s a good (though anxiety-inducing) way to learn about the world, as well as psychology and what drives some of the strangest, most counter-intuitive actions on the part of people who seem otherwise normal.

It is also an excellent conduit for people to recognise certain behaviours as worrying, foregoing strong impediments to their rational thinking, such as attachment and loyalty.

The following are conclusions I’ve come to from certain commonalities in true crime cases.

1.It’s best to stay away from dating sites.

It’s really creepy to hear what happens on these sites and how many people put themselves in a vulnerable position just by taking someone’s words at face value. At times, a physical encounter is merely based on a shared fetish or the intention to hook up with a random person that night. A first encounter with some people may well be your last (with anybody, that is, not counting paramedics and the coroner).

In fact, those sites should have a few more boxes to tick: cheating husband/wife, GHB rapist, sex trafficker, romance scammer, stalker, serial killer, burglar, false-identity sociopath etc.

Catfishing isn’t necessarily a new phenomenon, as scam artists have historically used romance as bait. However, through the internet, one doesn’t need more than a bunch of stolen photos and a story; it’s that low effort nowadays.

2. One creep on a boat is one too many.

Let’s go on a cruise/out sailing to solve our differences. No, let’s not wait for me to be pushed overboard in a so-called suicide/accident, potentially in international waters, thank you.

Seriously though, fishy boating accidents, disappearances or suspected suicides at times involve prior conflict, which is chilling to think about. Because it’s often so difficult to determine what happened to a person, there is plausible deniability for the potential perpetrator, who can easily claim the victim just vanished. And who’s to say they’re lying? Murder must be proven beyond reasonable doubt. Unless there is clear evidence on the boat, no one will ever know for sure.

Being isolated with someone who might harm you is daunting enough on land, where you can still, if in dire need, run somewhere, unless you are seriously hurt, or call the police. Out at sea, if that person is really determined and can overpower you physically, including by using a weapon, there’s nowhere to go. Sure enough, they may get convicted eventually – it won’t make you any less dead.

3. Avoid love triangles like the plague.

For some God-forsaken reason, to this day, in order to avoid a divorce, some people choose to kill their spouses instead, not only taking one life and devastating many others, but also risking to spend decades behind bars. They do it knowing they will be the main suspects to begin with. It’s the most counter-intuitive decision on the planet, when anyone is free to walk out the door if they so choose. Quite strangely, this has happened many times in religious communities, where divorce is frowned upon.

Of course, this isn’t limited to marriage; involvement in a love triangle may result in anything from stalking and harassment to premeditated murder, for any of the participants.

4. Life insurance may not be such a good idea.

Murdering to collect life insurance is as old as the policy itself, I believe; there are many historical cases. It usually involves spousal homicide, as it’s rare for people to name others as beneficiaries. Whereas in most cases, the murderous spouse develops this idea overtime, there is the odd psychopath (not that the other ones aren’t) who marries people specifically to benefit from that payment after “helping” them die. It’s chilling to think that an unsuspecting person spends months or years eating at the same table and sleeping in the same bed as someone harbouring such intentions.

The system as it is may need to be changed, since it’s such a common occurrence. The fact that an investigation takes place in suspicious cases and the person may be convicted doesn’t bring the victim back. The incentive is still there to begin with.

5. If someone tells you they’re a secret agent, run.

We live in a world dominated by entertainment, finding the intrigue and excitement our daily life typically lacks. Some people are easily mesmerised by those who claim to live on the opposite side of banality.

Yes, people involved in carrying out secretive acts on behalf or governments or other groups do exist. However, it should be obvious that they wouldn’t shout it from a roof top; in fact, secrecy must be a requirement of such positions, especially in relation to strangers. The person you believe to be extraordinary is guaranteed to be a sleazy con artist in this case.

Throwing that kind of bait is a gullibility test – much like cult leaders find people who would believe the most ridiculous claims regarding their supernatural powers.

6. If your partner/spouse tries to convince you it’s the two of you against the world, run for the hills.

This might sound enchanting in a teenage romance of some sort. If someone tries to get you enmeshed with them to the point that the relationship is all you care about, defending all this person’s actions and rejecting any negative feedback from friends and family, and society in general, this is a major red flag. Relatively normal people understand we need some level of convention for society to function. If someone is a law unto themselves, disregarding all else, they cannot be trusted to abide by the conventions they have with you either.

Of course this doesn’t apply to those living in societies with mediaeval laws and cultures, where one can be imprisoned or executed for personal traits and decisions (sexual orientation, sex outside of marriage, marrying someone from a group they are not allowed to etc).

People can and do use your trust, affection and loyalty to coax you into bad decisions. By using a noble cause for instance, they may try to draw you into criminal behaviour, such as vandalism or arson, claiming your “activism” is making a difference. They may just ask you to participate in theft or fraud, or make you aware they are doing so and expect you to be fine with it. In extreme cases, people have participated in causing serious harm or even killing someone at the behest of their so-called significant other.

7. Sudden contempt from your partner/spouse, especially combined with an affair, can be a sign that you’re in danger.

Cheaters are regularly mendacious and cover up their acts or tendencies. Sometimes very well; sometimes even for years. It doesn’t mean they end up detesting the person they are cheating on to the point of entertaining the possibility of harming them.

There are types of cheaters who will be extremely abrupt, out of the blue, once they have met a “new and improved” replacement. These would likely be the types suffering from certain personality disorders (narcissism, ASPD or an unfortunate combination). I’m trying to be careful here because everyone is different and all relationships are different.

If a partner or spouse suddenly drops all empathy for you, for unknown reasons, and treats you as an inconvenience or even as detestable, you might be dealing with one of these types, who regard you as a commodity. This shift may be very quick, and although their decision to pursue someone else has nothing to do with you, they don’t see it that way. You become the seagull crap on their immaculate Mercedes. They are impulsive. If complications are involved (marriage, children, a shared home etc) they realise getting rid of you will take time, and it annoys them to no end.

If they tell you they hate you with coldness and contempt, and even joke about killing you, take them seriously. Hating someone for existing, just because you plan on leaving them, is irrational. Hence they are already in an irrational state of mind, which may lead to irrational acts. People in a darkened state of mind can cross limits you’d never imagined.

8. Moving to an isolated location with someone is very tricky business.

Some people feel sorry for loners who prefer to wake up and go to sleep in an empty house, especially in the middle of nowhere. They wonder what will happen if they have an accident or other medical emergency. However, when living that way, it may just be safer to be alone than with another person. I’m not talking about retired couples here, or people who have known and trusted each other for decades.

Living in isolation, especially if you’re an introvert, is very appealing. It sounds like heaven: no busybodies to placate, no habitual complainers to bother, little to no unwanted interaction etc. At the same time, there is nowhere to run when in trouble, especially at night, and if anything happens, no third party sees or hears a thing.

From what has happened to others and personal experience, before deciding on such a move, please consider the following, in terms of being safe:

  • Is the person you plan on living with known to have antisocial behaviour, controlling behaviour, rage fits etc? Have they committed acts of violence in the past? Would you depend on this person in ways that would make leaving difficult or almost impossible?
  • Do you drive? If you don’t, is the place on a bus route? Can you make sure to always afford a bus fare?
  • Do you work and can you be sure you will continue to work for as long as you live there? If you don’t work, do you at least have your own bank account? Can you make sure that if you ever need money in an emergency, there is a way to obtain it?
  • Do you have a mobile phone and is the signal good enough in the area? Landline phones can easily be ripped out of the wall.
  • Is there anyone in the area you can turn to in case of an emergency?

9. Excessive flattery is a sign of incoming trouble.

This applies across the board, unless a person is differently abled and generally interacts in ways that most people wouldn’t. If they are not, then they want something, and in the vast majority of cases (if not all) it’s bad news. It could be either one of these scenarios:

  • They want to establish an abusive relationship with you. Typically, these relationships start intensely, with the abusive person pursuing their future partner and appearing to idealise them. As soon as the partner is hooked, the tables turn.
  • They want to scam you. Whether it’s a romance scam, or any other kind of scam, the scam artist will first establish trust by playing on your ego and boosting your confidence.
  • They want to exploit you. Especially if you’re young and naive, or if you’re at a low point in life, a person may groom you into serving their purposes by establishing confidence. They may offer you a work opportunity that is very different than presented, groom you to use you for sex, lure you into a religion or cult, lure you into a toxic/criminal group etc.

10. It’s probably best to stay away from sadists (even if you’re into that kind of role play).

Whereas the psychological draw to that type of interaction is likely complex, one thing is certain: the instinct driving these people, at its core, is the exact same instinct driving kidnappers, torturers and serial killers. The degree to which they indulge it varies, of course, and some may never commit a crime.

How can you know for sure that someone will (or can) remain within certain boundaries? They may be completely functional and respectable (in the conventional sense) otherwise, and still have an urge to humiliate, control, hurt or even kill others. What if this instinct intensifies overtime?

There have been quite a few cases involving interactions organised on seedy websites, which ended in murder (at times with the victim’s consent, which is even weirder). These people didn’t start by killing; they started by sharing fantasies and engaging in consensual acts first, then gradually intensifying their aggression. Just like the use of dangerous drugs, escalating the use of that instinct leads in one direction only.

11. It’s best to avoid projecting your reactions, feelings and intentions onto a potentially dangerous person.

People can be galaxies apart in how they perceive reality. It’s difficult to live with that realisation, but it’s the truth. When in doubt, we resort to common sense; to that which anyone can agree on, and build our perceptions from there.

There must be a hundred reasons to not rob, beat up, kidnap or kill someone. These should be present in anyone’s mind at any given time. We assume that they are, otherwise we wouldn’t be brave enough to walk down the street. However, some can easily let emotions or impulses take over. There’s no way to appeal to their logic or empathy, as these can be completely switched off.

Many murders could have been avoided in cases where the victim knew the perpetrator and had a chance to observe worrying behaviour day in and day out. The human need to hope for the best, to see the best, to feel seen and understood, prompted them to think the worst couldn’t possibly happen. Just because your mind can’t go there, it doesn’t mean someone else’s can’t.

Likewise, unsuspecting people have shared their lives with hardened criminals without knowing it. Some serial killers had spouses and children. This proves that truly knowing others may just be an illusion.

12. When you’re lonely and desperate, be mindful of who offers to “save you”.

This can range from would-be abusers to sects, cults, movements,”healers”, psychics and crooks of all kinds. A notable mention consists of those in the self-help industry, including its fringes (pick-up artists, groups based on hating the opposite sex, “support groups” etc). Nothing appeals to them more than vulnerability.

When you are desperate for someone to hear you and you can’t afford therapy, one of your best companions can be a blank sheet of paper. The very worst time to find a community can be when you need one.

13. If you take on a mob/group of aggressors, do it from a safe distance.

When more people are involved, common sense should prevail, if fantasies of harming someone they all dislike or hate start taking shape. At least one of them is bound to have a conscience or anticipate the consequences, right? That’s what we’d like to think.

Unfortunately, many cases have proven the exact opposite. Participants egg each other on, subdue any dissent through group pressure and eventually intimidation and ramp up their actions to shock those around them. When they are led by a cruel individual, the rest may be sycophants attempting to impress them. Overtime, groups of teenagers in particular have been capable of unspeakable acts.

What group aggression seeks to achieve varies from isolating and intimidating someone, all the way up to murder, or causing that person’s suicide. Today, of course, we have online communities, capable of swarming an individual over a Tweet or a false accusation.

Bullies love an audience. They love inciting others against their target. If things are getting out of control and you can, as the saying goes, get the fuck of of Dodge.

These are, of course, just a few thoughts.