For many, life resembles climbing a ladder, with its difficulties and rewards, maintaining the ease of communication and applying newly learned abilities constantly.

For some of us, meanwhile, it bears more resemblance to Mr Bean’s happy-go-lucky passage through unexpected adventures, somehow managing not to die. Nonetheless, life remains precious and enjoyable, even if from the outside, we might appear to be “substandard”.

If you can relate, worry not: for a modest sum, others are ready to help you chisel yourself into what makes the rest of the world pretend to like you, at least momentarily. Here’s a fairly superficial analysis from a “life coach” (by the looks of it, collecting details in order to sell you something down the line).

To counteract the general perception of socially awkward people being afflicted by rudeness or ineptitude, below are some seldom discussed nuances.

 

Overthinking 

In spite of how it might appear to extroverts, introverts who bury their heads in solitary activities, seldom initiating communication and being evasive in their responses, are not cold or disinterested. Often, they overthink those responses, to the point of not expressing them quickly enough (or at all).

Every interaction with strangers or distant acquaintances  is dominated by questions such as these:

What is appropriate/inappropriate?

How well do I know this person in order to anticipate their reaction?

What’s the worst possible reaction I could have, to avoid at all cost?

What could be the consequences of saying something inappropriate?

Could my words or actions be interpreted in a negative manner?

What’s the worst that could come out of this?

What may well seem stupidity, foot-in-mouth syndrome or a lack of interest could simply be the result of not finding answers to those questions in a timely manner. It’s therefore not lack of thought but an excess of it.

 

The awareness that you’re mostly interacting with facades 

If you take things in deeply, you worry less about appearances and more about the genuine impression left to others, which you’re aware doesn’t always manifest.

When in a room with many people who seem content enough to be there, you’re often aware a handful are just as eager to leave as you are, and are merely hiding that feeling behind a pleasant smile. You’re aware most pleasantries are robotic or churned out as a matter of social obligation.

Comedians are so successful not merely for satirising current trends, but also for dispelling the myths of polite society, explaining what many of us know already, but wouldn’t admit in public – that life is full of things we don’t want to do, meeting people who, just like us, would rather be somewhere else instead.

Choosing to only have meaningful interactions, even if few and far between, doesn’t make someone antisocial; it makes them anti-bullshit, if anything.

 

The quirks of unfamiliar environments 

In this regard I sympathise with people with Asperger’s, in terms of the reactions they describe, of taking comfort in familiarity and repetition (and therefore the dynamics they have mastered).

If one, for instance, reads extensively about the world yet has only experienced a limited array of environments directly, awkwardness is very likely (Americans abroad excluded).

Of course, basic rules apply everywhere – be polite, be respectful, follow directions when they’re given, mind your step. And if all fails, just watch what everyone else does and do the same.

If you’re fairly confident, when in doubt about what to do in a new environment, you’ll just ask someone, If you’re not, the thought of looking stupid or bothering a stranger will likely result in acting on the best guess you can come up with, or remaining inactive.

Getting things wrong doesn’t mean you don’t care; it might just mean you don’t know everything, which is not a capital sin.

 

Floating upstream/ spacing out

Remember “Amelie”? The film was not loved merely due to its high artistic value, but also due to being easy to relate to, as most of us – if not all – hide a rich inner life, to end up only manifesting a fraction, or nothing at all.

Sometimes one might diverge from the general atmosphere in a crowd; they might be the one person in the cinema noticing the fly on the screen. They might be Elaine from Seinfeld choking on hysterical laughter because of a Pez dispenser, when an entire amphitheatre is mesmerised by classical music.

There is no mandate to partake in communal emotions; each of us is a microcosm interacting with other microcosms on the way.

 

The awareness that overconfident/ very popular people are just as vulnerable

It’s not uncommon for people to suppress their true personalities in order to capitalise on one socially attractive trait, becoming an example to follow or congregate around, at least temporarily. And sadly, woe is them should said trait become obsolete or diminish overtime. It’s sad to see people idolised one day and despised the next one, by the same crowd, as if they were objects of mass consumption.

The world is ironic, full of mascots, gay anti-gay preachers, coked-up personal trainers and crack-addicted counsellors on well-being. Behind many success stories or facades there is a mountain of suffering and overcompensation.

 

The awareness that we are all eaten by the same maggots in the end

It’s often said of socially awkward people that they should make efforts to improve their image, lest they die unobtrusively in a cave somewhere, having only touched a handful of lives in their immediate proximity, as if that weren’t enough.

Some people give the impression that they’d drown in shame and despair should they decrease in popularity, or should those around them catch them in a less than perfect moment. Their lives become the subject matter of films that will never be made, with every gaffe needing whitewashed in order to move on, so the idyllic narrative could continue. The inability to rebuild their status can even throw them into depression.

Public figures prostrate themselves before the world, explaining their personal decisions to millions of strangers, as if they owed them that. Why they chose a different career path, why they left or didn’t leave their spouses, why they voted a certain way. It never ends.

Being popular is not an obligation. Time is short and not everyone has the same priorities or needs.