The following posts approach common misconceptions on personality disorder “red flags” with a more rational analysis.
Silent Treatment – Is It Always That?
As the old proverb goes, all that glitters is not gold, including when it comes to difficulty in relationships.
A few of the behaviours labelled as forms of abuse and signs of psychopathy or narcissism are, in my opinion, ambiguous. Silent treatment is one of them. Whereas it can certainly be used as a form of aggression or control, abuse recovery communities encourage people to generalise, excluding other interpretations.
The reason silence is seen as abuse in romantic relationships is the strong reaction it provokes in the partner, who anxiously awaits communication, seeming lost without his/ her significant other and agonising over what they might be thinking. When complaining, the partner is sometimes referred to as needy and feels insulted; compared to them the presumed abuser seems cold, unemphatic and unloving.
But is this any proof of foul intentions? Why should one assume these people are even aware of the drama they cause? Who’s to say that instead of being – as portrayed – sadistic monsters grinning beside the phone with a stopwatch, they’re not simply incapable of dealing with the intensity of a situation and need some distance?
Believe it or not, some people are more aloof than others; they need more space, even if that might seem unreasonable.
Even when maintained for selfish reasons, silence is not necessarily meant to induce a state of despair in the other, to punish them or to control them – in other words to intentionally inflict suffering. Even if someone habitually fails to care about the partner’s feelings, it’s still not the same as causing them deliberately.
To elaborate on that, I would like to make a few points.
1.The partner’s reaction is just as significant as the silence itself, if not more.
If the partner carried on with their own interests in the meantime, focusing on other matters, the situation might be seen as an odd behavioural pattern, yet not abuse. I’m writing from experience here, not out of some desire to engage in victim blaming. When one becomes so emotionally dependent on another person, to the point of their feelings becoming an unseen burden on that person’s back, it’s not only unfair but also unhealthy. It is not a sign of maturity or balance to be unable to detach mentally from the relationship and turn your attention elsewhere for a while. This strong, disproportionate reaction to someone’s distancing might just be the tip of the iceberg.
2. These patterns (of one ignoring and the other responding with neediness) are likely to be influenced by what both partners have observed in their homes while growing up.
Although the dynamic is sometimes reversed, typically, it is women who feel neglected and men who feel their partners are always dissatisfied with their lack of emotional support. There is a very interesting video by Teal Swan on the perpetuation of these patterns and the Oedipus complex, describing how girls go on to seek the affection of partners who are predisposed to ignoring them and how boys go on to seek caring yet nagging women they end up withdrawing from – and so the cycle continues.
People may develop automatic reactions to certain situations, as a defence mechanism. For example, when someone in front of them raises their voice, the response might be to walk out of the room, regardless of other variables. This might be very frustrating for the partner, who can’t get a point across as things always escalate and end in this manner before any resolution is reached.
3. Poor synchronisation.
It’s fair to say that disappointment is the result of the expectations we have regarding others, whether they have caused us to have them or not. The reason we place such emphasis on trivial matters, like a forgotten anniversary or a trip which never materialised, is the importance we give them, as opposed to their real importance, which might be as small as a grain of sand.
When for instance someone makes an effort to plan a special evening with their partner and instead of it progressing well, the partner is morose and withdraws, causing discontent – if not a fit – the only damage done is to the figment, to the expectation. Nobody owns another person, as to force a certain mood on them and instantly demand reciprocity in their emotional state.
4. Love is about giving. Even space.
When we feel lonely and misunderstood, it can slip our minds that the people we are unhappy with might themselves have serious problems, be very tired or otherwise unavailable. Sometimes, the last thing to help the situation is ceaseless complaining over matters they might not have the energy to deal with. Neediness does make people withdraw more.
If someone is quiet for long periods of time, it can also be due to an issue they are trying to work through, at their own pace.We often come across these statements in popular culture:
If he/she really loved me, whatever issues he/she had, we could work them out together. There’s nothing he/she can’t tell me.
Wrong. Again, nobody owns another person and the need to keep some things private (even take them to the grave) should be respected. There is nothing more annoying and alienating than being prodded by others to speak because of the role they think they must play in your life. People don’t owe others explanations regarding their moods or feelings, if they do not wish to give them. They also do not owe them a mask of jolliness in order to not ”bring them down”.
In conclusion, this matter is as complex as it is delicate. One should pause and think very carefully whether another’s actions are really designed to affect them, or are simply an expression of how the other feels at the time.
Holiday Misery – A Presumed Red Flag For Narcissism
There are dozens of articles and videos describing how narcissists are always miserable during holidays others fully enjoy and make a point out of ruining them for everyone else.
Never having met one, to my knowledge, I can’t claim to be able to dismiss this criterion; however, if this is one important reason why you have labelled a person as such, please think twice – as there are many valid reasons for not sharing the holiday cheer.
- People don’t have a “happy” button they can push for social convenience. The more this is asked of them, the more miserable and antisocial they will become.
Whereas for some, a diversion from their usual existence is more than welcome, for others, this yearly ritual of let’s try to be happy (desperately, clinging to this magnificent day as if we were in danger of missing the boat to move overseas) is just as dry and robotic; difficult to understand, in a way. Here is an article on the matter, describing a whole nation experiencing feelings of gratitude, being kinder, reacting emotionally to songs and symbols, as if these things suddenly occurred on cue at that time of the year.
For many in the United States, as the month of November approaches, their spirits begin to lift as they start to prepare and decorate for Thanksgiving and they reflect on the blessings that they are grateful for.In December, the holiday songs, decorations and white bearded guy in the red suit reminds everyone to spread goodwill and cheer to others.
Let’s forget about the location for a moment, as people around the world could make the same statement. The first issue I have with this is that feelings are private, not collective; one can’t simply tap into the communal cheer as many claim, and catch it from others. It’s not Ebola FFS.
A human being does not owe these feelings to anybody. It is absurd to claim that someone’s mood should be lifted simply by how other people feel; it is also absurd to claim that joy is a cultural thing, brought on by certain stimuli such as dates or decorations or costumes (much like bulls react in a predetermined way when they see red).
Another common way narcissists deflate holiday bubbles is to buy the worst gift imaginable or cry “poverty” to get out of having to purchase gifts at all. Many narcissists will even purchase something they purposely know won’t be liked, only to delight in the disappointed expression on faces as the gift is opened. (same source)
So that spiritual high is at least partially material, and if one cannot “pay their dues” to the communal happiness by buying gifts, they are somehow inferior? Perhaps they are themselves fed up with this culture of customs become obligations and happiness derived from what lies underneath the wrapping paper. Giving gifts is wonderful when it actually comes from one’s heart. When the “joy of giving” becomes the stress of where to get money to rise up to everyone’s expectations… it is visibly just another chore on the year’s calendar. Nothing spiritual in the slightest – hence one cannot genuinely claim heartache from not receiving the kind of gift they wanted, for some reason. That is superficial and snobbish, sorry to say. (PS, think of the worst gifts you’ve ever received and then consider the following: a Chuckie doll, a box of toilet brushes, a ticket to see feminist theatre which would scar you for life.)
On the deeper level, Sam Vaknin describes the narcissist’s need of complete autonomy , which manifests by rejecting what society tries to impose – forced cheerfulness and celebration on certain occasions – corroborated with the need to control how others feel and to bring them down. Whereas the latter is indeed toxic, I can safely argue that the need to reject any imposition related to how they should feel is natural. They might just experience a visceral repulsion towards anything that is artificial, without ever looking down on those who embrace it.
When a person deems a partner cruel and neglectful because of this rejection of conformity, they’re basically stating that they long to be like everyone else, to have and do what everyone has and does around them. In my view this is not a natural and personal need but a culturally imposed one and should not come between two people.
2. They might just be a nonbeliever among a group of believers ceaselessly attempting to drag them into the “holiday spirit”.
This year I had my first Easter as a non-Christian in a very religious country, where for 3 days (although I think it extends to 40) people greet each other with “Christ was resurrected” instead of hello. But during the three days of Easter, if you greet them with a simple hello, they give you some right funny looks. Some older people don’t even reply; they think you’re being dead rude. It’s the type of context of being constantly warned not to work or wash on a Sunday, in spite of repeating you have no fear of any higher power smiting you with lighting for turning the washing machine on. So I can totally sympathise with anyone in that context or any variation.
3. The nauseating commercial mania is enough to put some people off.
As we’ve all become accustomed to, Christmas tends to start in October now. If during the rest of the year major stores (at least) are conniving, annoying and relentless towards making people buy things they don’t need, during the holiday season it’s like they’re all on cocaine. Some folks, myself included, find that this intoxication drains the spirit right out of such occasions.
4. The personal turned impersonal
Nowadays, someone needn’t even write a few lines on a card for a loved one; they can pick from a variety of standard messages and just sign their name in a hurry. Let’s call these depersonalised cards. As to Valentine’s Day (when society assumes every couple enjoys a mandatory evening out and mandatory sex), aside from its blatantly commercial nature, the whole concept of something intimate being celebrated collectively is uncomfortable to say the least. If anything, it’s proof of the robotic nature of our existence, with a preset date for the best quality romanticism.
Slowly, our interest is being compartmentalised, with foreign groups somewhere deciding which days or months are to be dedicated to a particular matter. Not that certain matters weren’t important or worthy of more awareness, yet setting international standards for what people should focus on, on fixed occasions, is not natural.
5. People can also hate larger celebrations due to social anxiety, simply preferring to be alone or in a very small group.
If someone feels out of place in a room full of people they’re not close to, there’s probably nothing you can do to fix them – because they don’t need fixing. It’s just how they are and how they approach life. Some think they’re doing others a favour by forcing them to socialise or that others have a “duty” to attend an event with them, even if they feel out of place the whole time. It’s like putting a drop of oil in a glass of water – it will always end up isolated and taciturn, and will probably make others feel uncomfortable as well.
Perhaps this analysis is somewhat superficial, yet might raise useful points to anyone who places an emphasis on conforming to the norm to the degree that it causes trouble in their relationships with others.
Lisa
Hi Maria,The so called ‘experts’ cast such a wide net, when it comes to symptomology, we might as well all be character disordered. How easy to label the morally scrupulous, appalled by materialism, as the polar opposite. They turn the world upside down.
MAY 6, 2016
Thomas Sheridan (@thomassheridan_)
I loath Christmas with a passion. Everything about it is fake and made up. Including the religious parts. A fake holiday for fake people. My experiences have been the opposite of Robot Sam. The most shallow and annoying pricks I know LOVE the Christmas shite and use it as a weapon to try and force the rest of us in to fake joviality of it. “It’s Christmas!!!”
Peace from PsychopathTwee loves Christmas. Bet he has a woolly sweater with ‘I’M FESTIVELY EMPATHIC” embroidered upon it.
Christmas is absolute shit. People can use that to judge me anyway they want. Fucked if I care. I’m normal.
MAY 26, 2016
Maria
Back when I was a Christian I used to love the traditions, the catchy carols etc. But it was basically a cultural thing and generating a feeling of safety.Now that I know where it comes from (thanks to the video you posted), I want nothing to do with it.
Of course it’s fun to get together with family, have a nice gathering and all; most people only see it in a family or commercial manner anyway. There is nothing spiritual about it, even for people who are Christians. There’s nothing but stuffing your face with things you only make once a year, giving and getting things and decorating that tree (which in my culture was originally a symbol of death, but who cares nowadays).
MAY 26, 2016
The Artistry Of Glorified Bullshit 